An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Jack," said the donkey.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
How to Worm your Mule:
1) Buy wormer paste.
2) Capture the wild beast -a.k.a- the mule.
3) Firmly grip lead rope in left/right hand (whichever you do not write with).
4) With your other hand insert wormer tube.
5) Pick yourself up off the ground and ask someone to hold your mule while you go to the emergency room to have your dislocated shoulder looked at.
6) Repeat steps 1-4, but duck this time as the back hooves somehow go flying past your head.
7) As your legs get twisted in the rope, try to stand up, only to have your legs pulled out from under you.
8) As soon as you spit out ALL the dirt you just ate, jump up and grab your mule.
9) Ponder why this is not working.
10) Repeat steps 1-4 and 6, but this time go home, change into a shirt that does not have apple- flavored wormer paste all over it and proceed to go to the feed store and buy another tube.
11) When you get back to the barn, see the manager's 10-year-old son walking over to you.
12) Let him take the worming tube from your hand, and watch in disbelief as he worms your mule without getting a single spot of the paste on himself, and there is no dirt on his face, and he's not in the emergency room.
13) Put your mule back in the barn and go home to your nice warm bed.
The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
A COWBOY'S WRATH!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his mule had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY MULE?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his mule was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A Cure for Constipation
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My mule is constipated." The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, insert the other end in the mule's behind, and blow the pill up there." The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The vet says, "What happened?" The farmer responds, "The mule blew first."
Q. Do you know the difference between a Fairy Tale and A Cowboy Story?
A. A Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time a long long time ago"
A Cowboy Story starts out "This ain't no sh-- Joe".
An Old Man his Grandson and their mule named Hiney
Way back up in the hills lived an old man and his grandson. Being very poor and in need of supplies the old man decided to sell their old mule named Hiney. So the next morning the trio set off on the long trek down to the sale barn in the valley.
On the trail down, they passed the Widow Thompson's house who was entertaining her friend Mrs. Jones on the porch. The old man heard the two women commenting on how cruel the old man was to make his grandson walk when he could be riding. The old man not wanting to be thought of as cruel lifted his grandson onto the back of Hiney and continued on their way.
A while later the trio passed another cabin and they heard the comment, "look at that strong healthy young boy riding and making that old man walk". The old man not wanting anyone to think ill of his grandson ordered his grandson to dismount and the old man took his place atop Hiney.
Continuing on their way, they passed a country general store. Where several men were talking on the porch. Again comments were made, "Look at those fools, one riding and one walking. When both could be riding". Not wanting anyone to think that they were fools, the old man lifted his grandson up to ride behind him on Hiney.
Resuming their trek the three came to the outskirts of the village. Still a long way from their destination of the sale barn. When passing the elevator with several men gathered by the scale the old man overheard, "There goes two of the biggest idiots that I have ever seen. By the time they get that mule to the sale barn, he will be nothing but skin and bones. They should carry the mule instead of the mule carrying them". Not wanting anyone to think that he and his grandson were idiots, the old man and his grandson dismounted. They then, with great difficulty lifted Hiney up onto their shoulders and went on their way.
On their way to the sale barn, they came upon a rope bridge suspended over a very deep gorge. The sale barn was on the other side, so the old man, his grandson and Hiney continued on. Half way across, the bridge started to sway back and forth. The swaying became so violent that Hiney slipped from their shoulders and fell into the deep gorge and died when he hit the rocks below.
The moral of this story is that if you try to please everyone, you will probably end up losing your Hiney!
A farmer was driving home his new bride along with a new team of mules. After a bit one of the mules balked. The farmer yelled out to the mule "That's number one!�. After a bit he got the team going again. Again the mule balks, and the farmer yells "That's two!" Finally he gets the team going again. The mule balks again, the farmer gets out his gun, shoots the mule and yells "That's number Three!".
His new bride protests loudly and says she cannot believe how cruel he is. The farmer yells back to her "That's number one!"
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
A man answered the ad in the paper of a mule FOR SALE from the monastery. The man was very impressed and purchased the mule. As he was leaving with the mule the monk told the buyer: "This mule is a religious mule, being raised here in the monastery. To get him to trot you just say, 'thank God.' If you wish him to gallop you say, 'thank God, thank God." And for real emergences you say, 'thank God, thank God, thank God.' "Well, thank you very much," said the buyer, as he headed for the gate. "OH! One more thing. To get him to stop you say, 'amen'" Called the monk to the man.
Well the man climbed on the back of the mule, and nudged him to get going. "He Ya!" The mule would not budge. "Giddy-yap!" Still nothing. Finally . . ."Thank God" The mule proceeded to trot on down the road. The man figured he would see how good this mule really was. "Thank God Thank God" That man sure had a tough time staying in the saddle. After he got used to it he decided to see what this mule could do. "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" That mule flew down the street, faster than anything you have ever seen from an animal.. Up ahead he noticed a wide precipice. With no bridge. He pulled on the reigns in an attempt to get the mule to stop. It did not work. "WOAH!!" He called still not response. "STOP!! HEAL!! AHHHH!" Still no response the mule just kept on going. At the last possible moment he remembers "AMEN!" The mule stops just a breath short of the ravine. The man glances over the mules head looking deep into the gorge. He wipes his brow and says. "Whew! Thank God."
Once this hunter got lost up in the foothills of north Georgia. He stumbled around a while until he came upon a farmer plowin with a mule. The hunter told him of his situation, and the farmer agreed to lead him back to civilization the next day. In the meantime the hunter asked if he might walk around awhile to see if he might scare up a few quail. The farmer said, "shore you can, but why don't you take my mule ole Blue here with ye. He shore does luv to hunt birds. Why he even out pointed some field champions a feller brought down here one time." Not wanting to insult the farmer by doubting his word, the hunter agreed to take the mule along. After walking only a few hundred yards the mule struck a point. The hunter, in disbelief, flushed the birds and shot one. By the end of the day the hunter had a sack full of birds. Totally shocked, the hunter returned and told the farmer that he would give him $5,000 for the mule. "Naw, I can't do it," said the farmer, "I jest can't part with that ole mule." "Well, I'll give you $10,000", said the hunter. "You jest don't understand what I'm tellin ya mister, I really can't part with that mule", the farmer replied. "Well this is my last offer, I'll give you $15,000 for the mule",the hunter said. "Looky here mister I'll give ye the critter." "What?" replied the hunter "I thought you couldn't part with that mule." "I really can't" the farmer said " but go ahead an takeim anyhow." So the hunter led the mule toward the bridge across the creek. When he got there the mule stopped, walked down by the creek and promptly stuck his head in. In just a minute or so the old mule threw a fish up on the bank. The hunter scratched his head and asked the farmer what the mule was up to. The old farmer just laughed and said, "Well, I toldja I couldn't part with that ole mule, every time I try ta cross the creek with em he does that, the best I can figer is, there's only one thang that mule luvs better'n bird huntin, and thats fishin!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
The mule answered: " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
And it was so.
Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend, "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral."
"They're not here for the funeral," snickered the friend. "They're here to buy the mule."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to the rescue with a big strong mule named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy still didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the mule easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his mule by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and was told that there was a fortune in horse racing. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had the donkey he might as well go ahead and enter it in the next race, and to his great surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!!!!
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time it won. The papers said: PREACHER'S ASS OUR FRONT!!!!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any other races. The paper stated: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS!!!!
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave it to a Nun in a nearby convent. Headlines the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!!!
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she must get rid to the donkey. So she found a farmer who was willing to buy the donkey for $10. The paper said: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS!!!!
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Two Norwegians were trying to get a mule into their barn. but it's ears were too long. One Norwegian suggested raising the barn. The other one thought they should dig a trench. "No, you dummy," exploded the first, "it's the ears that are too long, not the legs!"
A couple that live in one of the larger cities decided that they had had enough of city life and decided to simplify their life and get away from as many of the modern conveniences as possible. So they bought a small farm in a remote area.
After moving in they decided that what they needed was a mule to plow their garden and help with other farming tasks. Not knowing where to look for a mule they decided that maybe their neighbor could help.
They drove on over to their neighbor's place, introduced themselves as the "new neighbor" and asked if he knew where they could buy a mule. "No", he said, "I have no idea where you could buy a mule. I suggest that you find an auction sale or put an ad in the local want ads."
As the couple was walking back to their pickup they noticed some very large cantalope in the shade of a tree that their neighbor was fixing to take to town to sell. Having never seen anything like them before they asked, "What are those round things?"
The neighbor had appropriately sized up these city slickers and quickly replied, "Those are mule eggs. You could get one of them and start out on the ground floor and raise your mule the way that you wanted."
They bought the "mule egg", put it in the back of their pickup and started for home. On the way home they were excitedly talking about the prospect of raising their mule not paying attention to their "mule egg" in the back of their pickup. Looking in the back of their pickup the wife suddenly exclaimed, "Our mule egg is gone". Quickly they turned their pickup around and went back to find their prize. It was laying in the middle of the road broken open, but beside it was a rabbit nibbling at the "egg shell". "Look", said the wife, "our mule egg has hatched already".
They quickly got out of their pickup and went over to get their baby mule. Of course it hopped off and they gave chase. They chased their "baby mule" through the tall grass and around bushes until they were exhausted. As they lay in the grass catching their breath the wife said, "It looks like we won't be able to catch our baby mule".
"I guess it is just as well", replied her husband, "I don't want to plow that fast anyway".
Doctor Becomes a Farmer
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking.
Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck.
The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way.
Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer replied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire.
A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule.
The mule fell into the farmer�s well. The farmer heard the mule "braying"- or whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!
This he did blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
It was not long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL. What seemed would bury him, actually blessed him...because of the manner
in which he handled his adversity.
THAT�S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness or self-pity... THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US!
ONE MORE THING....
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."